For many years I have been unjustly saddled with the reputation of being an animal hater. This is incorrect. For the record: I do not hate animals. What I detest are animal owners who anthropomorphize their pets. Usually dogs I think.
You know these people. They speak in baby talk, "Hims is just a big old boy, isn't hims?" They bring their dogs on visits to your home without asking first. When the dog shoves its nose in your crotch or leaps up to lick your face they say things like, "See? That means he likes you!" They believe their dogs can smile. Even the Empress of Everything, Oprah herself, has called dogs "little people with fur". Gagging noises all mine.
I realize dogs have natural doggy behaviors that simply don't sinc up with living in human captivity. I don't blame the dogs. When a very muscular creature began humping my then pre-school age daughter I looked frantically to the male owner to, at least, rein in his pet. He did not. Instead he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "It's nothing. He'll be finished in a minute." No, no, no. People trump humans.
Here at Elder House lives a house bound woman who owns a Yorkie named Shamus. She has a sign taped to her door: A Spoiled Rotten Yorkie Lives Here. I should say so. Three or four times a day a kind hearted neighbor wheels Shamus outside to "do his bidness." Yes, wheels him. He rides in a zippered canvas contraption with water dish and squeaky toys inside. Six or eight trips every single day down the very long, very echo-ey hallway. And the wretched little dog NEVER shuts up! Five in the morning! Three in the afternoon! It doesn't matter.
That noise! How to describe that noise? The canine version of fingernails on a blackboard. Squawking geese. Farting rubber whoopee cushion. Shriek of a torture victim. Death throes of an esophogeal cancer victim. All of the above? Yes,indeed. If a human created this much of a disturbance that human would deserve our wrath. Or at least a warning from the building management. Or a hefty ticket from local law enforcement. But because it is a DOG we humans must just grin and bear it. And because we have lips (see smile reference above) we can actually grin. But we only bear it with repressed malice.
For my next trick watch me twist the head off a canary. Or a canary owner.
You know these people. They speak in baby talk, "Hims is just a big old boy, isn't hims?" They bring their dogs on visits to your home without asking first. When the dog shoves its nose in your crotch or leaps up to lick your face they say things like, "See? That means he likes you!" They believe their dogs can smile. Even the Empress of Everything, Oprah herself, has called dogs "little people with fur". Gagging noises all mine.
I realize dogs have natural doggy behaviors that simply don't sinc up with living in human captivity. I don't blame the dogs. When a very muscular creature began humping my then pre-school age daughter I looked frantically to the male owner to, at least, rein in his pet. He did not. Instead he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "It's nothing. He'll be finished in a minute." No, no, no. People trump humans.
Here at Elder House lives a house bound woman who owns a Yorkie named Shamus. She has a sign taped to her door: A Spoiled Rotten Yorkie Lives Here. I should say so. Three or four times a day a kind hearted neighbor wheels Shamus outside to "do his bidness." Yes, wheels him. He rides in a zippered canvas contraption with water dish and squeaky toys inside. Six or eight trips every single day down the very long, very echo-ey hallway. And the wretched little dog NEVER shuts up! Five in the morning! Three in the afternoon! It doesn't matter.
That noise! How to describe that noise? The canine version of fingernails on a blackboard. Squawking geese. Farting rubber whoopee cushion. Shriek of a torture victim. Death throes of an esophogeal cancer victim. All of the above? Yes,indeed. If a human created this much of a disturbance that human would deserve our wrath. Or at least a warning from the building management. Or a hefty ticket from local law enforcement. But because it is a DOG we humans must just grin and bear it. And because we have lips (see smile reference above) we can actually grin. But we only bear it with repressed malice.
For my next trick watch me twist the head off a canary. Or a canary owner.
Mom, i don't think you are an animal hater. I DO think that you are NOT an animal lover.
ReplyDeleteLe difference, non?