Wakened today by the big old garbage truck and I immediately thought, "Yup! So fucking appropriate!" The serenade to begin the decade of my 60's. Ah, well. Then I noticed the time. What's he so late for? It wasn't five and it was already light. Foggy as hell, but light. Okey Dokey. Shower time.
My 50's pretty much sucked. They started out all hopeful and balmy. I was newly bald, happy, and surrounded by loved ones. And there WERE some good moments. Successful surgeries, blissful, mind expanding college classes, a long postponed divorce, marriages, birth, and hard won graduations. Other times, the not so good times, included betrayal, hypocrisy, lies, financial ruin, more pain than I ever imagined, and despair so great I feared for my sanity. C+? B-? At best.
The sitch has leveled out somewhat. Financial woes are horrendous, but manageable. Emotional woes are inexplicable and, apparently never ending. The pain is unendurable and must be endured.
SO. I take my meds. Whenever a new symptom arises I google it in an attempt to figure it out. I'm grateful for every day my leg does not crumble like paper and I manage to stay on my feet long enough to literally fall into bed at night. I pray in my own fashion. I am trying to accept my status as crippled and crazy. This is hard and I'm not very good at it.
Today I am awaiting a birthday visit from a very dear friend. Instead of feeling joyous I am petrified that I will not be able to stay awake and that the pain will slam me sooner than usual. But each of my daughters phoned this morning; today is already better than yesterday.
But this new decade of my life is on very strict probation. I will not, I cannot endure pain like what I have already experienced. Any new emotional betrayal will be met with the most profound and profane response. And financial crap is...well, crap. You have been warned.
My 50's pretty much sucked. They started out all hopeful and balmy. I was newly bald, happy, and surrounded by loved ones. And there WERE some good moments. Successful surgeries, blissful, mind expanding college classes, a long postponed divorce, marriages, birth, and hard won graduations. Other times, the not so good times, included betrayal, hypocrisy, lies, financial ruin, more pain than I ever imagined, and despair so great I feared for my sanity. C+? B-? At best.
The sitch has leveled out somewhat. Financial woes are horrendous, but manageable. Emotional woes are inexplicable and, apparently never ending. The pain is unendurable and must be endured.
SO. I take my meds. Whenever a new symptom arises I google it in an attempt to figure it out. I'm grateful for every day my leg does not crumble like paper and I manage to stay on my feet long enough to literally fall into bed at night. I pray in my own fashion. I am trying to accept my status as crippled and crazy. This is hard and I'm not very good at it.
Today I am awaiting a birthday visit from a very dear friend. Instead of feeling joyous I am petrified that I will not be able to stay awake and that the pain will slam me sooner than usual. But each of my daughters phoned this morning; today is already better than yesterday.
But this new decade of my life is on very strict probation. I will not, I cannot endure pain like what I have already experienced. Any new emotional betrayal will be met with the most profound and profane response. And financial crap is...well, crap. You have been warned.
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