Even if Kubler- Ross had it right, this knowledge about the grief cycle is not helping me.
Physical and emotional losses have hit me like a ton of bricks in the last several years. I never denied them. I realized clearly what was going on; no denial was involved. Intractable pain is not something I could ignore or pretend that it wasn't happening. Banishment by former dear ones was also made undeniable. SMASHO!
And maybe that was the problem right from the start. Maybe if I had pondered the impossibility of these events I would have been better prepared for what came next. In any case I've been stuck at anger for far too long. Every morning the pain wakes me up, then literally brings me to what is left of my knees during the day, and crushes me into bed at night. Does this make me furious? You betcha! The emotional wounds by people I thought I knew better cause me to fantasize serious science fiction type torture for them all. Anger is what I've got these days. But, whoa, if I ever got hold of real weapons on an especially bad day; and there's no telling how much or how many I would annihilate.
Still, perhaps I've been lagging at this stage longer than is helpful.
I don't think bargaining is for me. No one I know is willing to change much less listen to what I'd need to say. Not much talking goes on in my sibling circle. Drama, yes. Photo opportunities, yes. Serious conversation, NEVER. Not with me anyway. Who knows what they are scared of. And there is no bargaining regarding medical care. I am poor, old, and over weight. Limitations prohibit any optional discussion. YIKES. Working around all this stuff is exhausting.
So what's left is acceptance. And, 'dear holy god and matrimony' I am trying. But, I am seriously considering the chain saw aisle at the big box.
Physical and emotional losses have hit me like a ton of bricks in the last several years. I never denied them. I realized clearly what was going on; no denial was involved. Intractable pain is not something I could ignore or pretend that it wasn't happening. Banishment by former dear ones was also made undeniable. SMASHO!
And maybe that was the problem right from the start. Maybe if I had pondered the impossibility of these events I would have been better prepared for what came next. In any case I've been stuck at anger for far too long. Every morning the pain wakes me up, then literally brings me to what is left of my knees during the day, and crushes me into bed at night. Does this make me furious? You betcha! The emotional wounds by people I thought I knew better cause me to fantasize serious science fiction type torture for them all. Anger is what I've got these days. But, whoa, if I ever got hold of real weapons on an especially bad day; and there's no telling how much or how many I would annihilate.
Still, perhaps I've been lagging at this stage longer than is helpful.
I don't think bargaining is for me. No one I know is willing to change much less listen to what I'd need to say. Not much talking goes on in my sibling circle. Drama, yes. Photo opportunities, yes. Serious conversation, NEVER. Not with me anyway. Who knows what they are scared of. And there is no bargaining regarding medical care. I am poor, old, and over weight. Limitations prohibit any optional discussion. YIKES. Working around all this stuff is exhausting.
So what's left is acceptance. And, 'dear holy god and matrimony' I am trying. But, I am seriously considering the chain saw aisle at the big box.
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