Confessions of an Ex- Smoker

Seven months ago I quit smoking. I got really sick and was hospitalized for four days. So I quit smoking. Here are some things you should know about me. I think these may apply to more ex- smokers; but I'm going to be honest and say "I" rather than "We". Let those other folks speak for themselves.

1. I know my hair smells better. I know my breath smells better. I know my clothes smell better. I know my hands smell better. Most of the time I don't care about any of that.

2. Food really does taste better. I have a brand new perspective on fresh fruit. Water, plain from the tap, is becoming a vice.

3. Sometimes, at a stop light on a warm day, I'll be next to a car with an open window. If someone in the car is smoking I will lean my head out and savor the fragrance of their cigarette. BUT, if I am in a room and someone who has recently smoked walks in reeking of cigarette I feel like barfing.

4. I really, really wish people would praise me more for quitting. I mean, like, Dude! 24/7! I need the positive strokes. Don't people realize how hard this is??!!

5. There are actually whole entire days where I do not think about smoking or cigarettes at all.

6. When I see a cigarette butt on the sidewalk or in a parking lot the first thought in my head is always something along the lines of, "What a waste! I coulda smoked that." Depending on how my day is going I will actually contemplate picking up said butt, drying it off, straightening it out, and smoking the thing til my fingertips ignite.

7. Last week I had lunch with a friend I have known since high school and whom I hadn't seen in almost two years. As we were catching up on past events I very proudly revealed that I had quit smoking. She said, "Really? I never knew you smoked." HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!? I've been smoking since I was 14 and she's known me ALL that time. Was she not paying attention? Was I that good at concealment? What does this say about our relationship? Why does it bother me so much? Why does it bother me so little?

8. All that stuff about how much money a person should have after quitting is a big fat lie. A package of cigarettes cost $7.50 back in June when I quit. I would have found money for cigarettes almost anywhere. I had four unopened packs in my purse when I quit and it almost killed me to give them away. Yes, hypocrite that I am, I gave them to another smoker.

9. All that stuff about gaining weight is true. 12 pounds before I dared myself to step on a scale. I was actually fooled and thought I had escaped the ex-smoker weight gain trap because I was feeling so much better in my clothes. Maybe fat cells are being mysteriously redistributed to where the smoke used to go, lungs, bloodstream, etc.

10. There may come a time when I smoke again. In seven months I can honestly say that there has only been one day when I would have ripped off my own arm for a cigarette. I was still in the hospital and discovered that someone had done something I specifically asked them, begged them, not to do. Something major. Something that felt like betrayal. Something I don't think I can forgive; even though I know I probably should. I knew those four packs were in my purse. I could have disconnected the O2 and trundled my IV stand into the bathroom and wolfed down the delicious mother's milk comfort provided by my faithful cigarette friends. I didn't. I did not. But the day may come again. I hope I can deal with it if it does.