Lulled

The battle I fight with pain is never ending.  Some days and nights are better than others; but it never goes completely away.  I have little money and no health insurance. and so the weapons available to me in this battle are few.  Last  night was especially bad.

I was stretched out on my bed, thinking grateful thoughts, when I felt the beginning slams of muscular spasms in my right leg.  Twisty, surging cramps that originate behind my knee and seem to contract every fiber.  The pressure is unrelenting.  Unlike labor pains it does not taper off.  It kills and kills and kills and then stops.  The respite, sometimes a minute or two, sometimes an hour; is the time I spend while it gathers itself for the next round.

While it zooms thru me I wrap my head in a sheet and scream, cry, and drip snot.  Not pretty I'm sure.  I try not to disturb anybody and I try to shut up as quickly as possible.  It's hard to relax afterward; difficult to identify what "normal" feels like.  I have no idea what my resting heart rate should be.  I can't imagine what this is doing to my blood pressure.

During these moments my reptile brain takes over.  I would gnaw off my face if I could.  I would sacrifice virgins and puppies if it would help.  I would sell my soul or make spiritual promises I know I could never keep if THIS PAIN WOULD GO AWAY!!!  Instead I call upon the higher functioning part of my brain I can access during these unbearable moments.  I logic my way.

I know if I get some serotonin and norepinephrine (those "good guy, happy hormones") moving around I will survive.  They are weapons I possess.  I focus on the image of my granddaughter's face.  But she is very little and I haven't seen her very often.  I need something now and I need something sure fire,  something to distract me while the pain takes totally over.

Help?

Please?

Anybody?

Somebody?

MUSIC!!  It's Thursday night and I know there's a radio program.  I snap it on and there they are.  Talking, laughing, The topic is the Beatles!  I  am saved!  I listen and smile as the tears stream down.  After a few minutes I know the hormones must be kicking in because the pain is actually subsiding.  The bad guy receptors are being blocked and I'm going to live thru the night.  I drowse for a bit.

 Each time I awaken the DJ's voice is still there.  The conversation has shifted but it doesn't matter.  I mop the tears and drool off my face, turn the pillow over and thank all the forces of light for Professor Cullen and his crew.  He taught me that CBT absolutely works.

This is his show.  Tune in and thank him for me.  I already have.